What I’m going to talk about today is super important. It’s one of two fundamentals that can keep you stuck and unable to move forward in your recovery if you don’t understand and accept it. I’ll address the other fundamental soon.
This truth can be extremely difficult to accept early on. It is that every member of your system is trying to be helpful.
I realize this can sound crazy. Some of you have really, really scary parts or angry parts or parts that seem evil or that you worry will go berserk and hurt others. How on earth can I claim that these parts are not bad?
It’s like this: every part was formed to help handle some set of circumstances or some situation. Their intentions are to help. Where the problem lies is in HOW they attempt to help. The way they attempt to help and address the circumstance or situation may not actually be helpful, but the intention underlying it is good.
I want to be clear: I’m NOT saying that they can’t be unpleasant or challenging to interact with at this point.
Not Accepting This Can Keep You Stuck
Until you can appreciate that this problematic or scary system member has good intentions and wants to help, the situation can’t change. This is because they are not likely to change without your help.
In all likelihood, the way they are acting is what they were taught. It’s the only way they know how to respond, and was likely learned from an abuser.
Furthermore, some of these alters or system members have no awareness that you are no longer in those dangerous circumstances. They still think it’s the past. Once you can communicate to that system member that you understand they are trying to help and communicate your appreciation of this fact (not the way that they do it, but that they are trying to help), that system member will become more open to hearing other input from you. From there, you can help them understand how they can act in ways that truly are helpful to you or the system. And once they are more receptive to you, you can help those who are trapped in the past become aware of the present.
It’s not usually a quick or easy process, but the first step is to stop viewing any members of your system as bad, evil, or out to cause trouble. If you are having trouble with this yourself, a therapist can be helpful. A therapist has an advantage in this situation of not being directly involved the way you are and has some emotional distance that can help them to look at the situation and notice things you might not.
I want to stress that I know this sounds a lot simpler and easier than it actually is to do. That’s why the support of a therapist can be helpful. If you don’t have that, perhaps you have a friend who can help you start to look at those challenging alters more positively. Or you’ll find helpful resources for this over at CommuniDID.