DID doesn’t just happen randomly or without reason. In fact, it takes fairly specific circumstances and traumas to develop DID. I want to focus on one circumstance that sets the stage for DID, OSDD, and for Borderline Personality Disorder. It involves caretakers.
The Importance of Caretakers
First, let’s talk about the importance of caretakers for infants, toddlers, and young children. From here on out I’m going to just say “babies” but know that I’m referring to toddlers and young children as well. For babies, it’s not overstating thingsto say caretakers are a literal matter of life or death. Babies are dependent upon their caretakers for everything: safety, food, clothing, warmth, and so on. It is for this reason that a baby’s main goal is to have a relationship with a caretaker. This relationship is the best guarantee a baby has that it will be taken care of. Relationship with a caretaker is a fundamental need for babies.
Scared Caretakers
Understanding this, you might see why it is that scary or scared caretakers set the stage for DID. A scared caretaker could be scared of someone in the home, such as a violent partner, or could be scared of internal experiences, such as the hallucinations and delusions of schizophrenia, or perhaps their own untreated dissociative disorder. No matter the cause, a scared caretaker is going to be much more limited in their ability to care for and respond correctly to the needs of a baby. And just think about how terrifying it is for a baby who looks to the caretaker for protection but sees that the caretaker is scared. A scared caretaker is likely going to respond in erratic and unpredictable ways to the baby’s needs.
Scary Caretakers
Scary caretakers might seem more obvious. If a caretaker reacts to the baby’s needs with rage or violence, it’s easy to understand how this is problematic. There is another, less obvious way that caretakers can be scary: by being unresponsive. Imagine a caretaker on heroin. They are not going to be responding to a child’s needs. A lack of any kind of response is incredibly distressing to babies because they are counting on this caretaker to respond and care for them. When a caretaker does not, the baby is extremely vulnerable.
The No-Win Situation
But how exactly do these scare or scary caretaker responses set the baby up to develop DID? Remember that for babies, the relationship is a matter of life or death. Babies are wired to turn to their caretakers for protection from threats. But when the caretaker is scary or scared, the caretaker becomes the threat. The baby is no in a no-win situation, caught between two opposing survival instincts. One instinct demands that the baby turn to the caretaker for protection while the other survival instinct demands that the baby flee from the caretaker who is at that moment dangerous. How does a baby resolve this horrible conflict of survival instincts?
A Baby’s Way of Resolving an Impossible Dilemma
The caretaker is not always scary or scared. There are at least occasional instances when the caretaker is safe and maybe even caring. To deal with the unpredictability, the baby develops parts to specialize in handling each situation. One part of the baby interacts with the safe caretaker. This baby does its best to make sure the relationship is there. One or more other parts specialize in dealing with the scared or scary caretaker. And unfortunately, some babies are living in situations where they have multiple unpredictable caretakers. Parts may develop for different caretakers. When the caretaker is scary or scared, the baby’s survival instinct to flee or hide can be acted upon. For babies, this can mean dissociating and just mentally shutting down and physically becoming still.
Notice I’ve said “caretaker.” It doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be anyone who spends significant time in the role of caretaker– a parent, grandparent, babysitter, and so on.
So what is your reaction to this? Does it help explain your situation or the situation of someone you know? Leave your comments below and I’ll respond.